I have been told that I am unloveable.
I have been told worse than I can share.
I have been told that I am unendurable.
Much like the bitter Winter air.
I have been told that I am disapproving.
I have been told that I need help.
I have been told that I am uncompromising.
Just like the Pacific waves of kelp.
I have been told that I am naive and irascible.
That a desire to struggle is what I plead.
So I will kindly disavow.
But on this canvas watch me bleed.
I have yet to take down all of my Christmas decorations. I am in the middle of a new book…and it feels more like April than January outside – a characteristic of living in the desert that I should be accustomed to after seven years. I am fighting the compulsion to take off in my convertible until I find an enticing little coffee shop or used book store. In fact, an iced chai lavender latte would be my very definition of bliss at the moment. The truth is, I have a lot to do this year. Like most, I have never been able to master the art of keeping resolutions. I tend to become overwhelmed and disillusioned, and by February all attempts are discontinued. I want to make some changes in my daily life. Perhaps I will resolve to keep these changes, but without the pressure of formally resolving. In that sense, I think it is more advantageous to get my feet wet before diving in head first. I am sure the health and fitness industry is especially partial to this time of year.
Read more. Exercise daily. Write often.
Those are it…my so-called resolutions. Life is fluid…and I would rather move with it, than against it.
Life is precarious…it is untamed and unpredictable. I recognize that, because of this unpredictability, we laugh…we cry…we celebrate…we fall in love…we break down…we are lifted up. We live in a beautiful world that can potentially be tainted by personal challenge and struggle. I am emerging from a year filled with such challenges. I have always been introspective…and quite possibly to a fault. Introspection can lead to positive changes but it can also paralyze. I don’t accept that my behavior and attitudes are intrinsic. I actually have an ample desire to change the things about me I don’t like. I am prone to jealousy and overly critical. I am quick to disagree and it often manifests into anger. I’d rather fight than fly. I can be prideful and unforgiving. My need for perfection overshadows that which I truly crave. I battle regret, and my emotional cycles usually end with depression. On the fip-side, I am also intelligent, insightful, fervent, and witty. I am not the final version of myself. I wish for 2012 to be a year of positive change. According to the Chinese zodiac, 2012 is the year of the dragon…ushering in excitement, intensity and unpredictability. I pray for the positive of such attributes. I pray for peace and for all things within me and those which surround me to be made new.
“People travel to wonder at the height of the mountains, at the huge waves of the seas, at the long course of the rivers, at the vast compass of the ocean, at the circular motion of the stars, and yet they pass by themselves without wondering.” – St. Augustine
